


Too Damn Hot

by incognitajones



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen, The Author Regrets Nothing, except the title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 00:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6099511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incognitajones/pseuds/incognitajones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe is causing havoc on base simply by being his beautiful, clueless self. Leia, Jessika, and Snap decide that Something Must Be Done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Damn Hot

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt: https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/2821.html?thread=5372421#cmt5372421
> 
> Set vaguely pre-TFA. Not to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form.

“General Organa, you wanted a meeting?”

As he closes the door, Poe sees that Jessika and Snap are in the room too. That’s - strange. Worse, Leia is wearing that expression, the “don’t think you’re getting away with this just because you’re Shara’s son” one he only sees when he’s in real trouble.

Shit.

“Is this about that shuttle I borrowed on Coruscant? I returned it to the owner. Near-mint, even. I know we can’t afford to compensate--”

“Not that, Commander Dameron. Take a seat.” 

Poe sits. The General and his two squad members stare at him across the table and it’s starting to feel like he walked into a surprise court-martial. He bites his lip nervously.

“Look!” Snap exclaims, and Jessika nods. “This is exactly what we’re talking about.”

“Yes,” Leia sighs. She leans forward and pins him with her most serious look. “Commander Dameron, your fellow pilots have expressed some concern about your... informality. It’s causing distraction in the ranks.”

Snap translates. “What we’re saying is we need you to dial down on the flirting.”

“Flirting?” Poe is outraged. Who the hell has time to flirt in the middle of an undeclared war? 

“I told you,” Jessika says smugly. “He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. You won’t get him to stop that way.”

“Stop what?” Poe scrubs his hands through his hair in confusion.

Leia pinches the bridge of her nose. “I see.” She clasps her hands together on the table. “Commander Dameron, do you remember the accident last week in which two technicians and a pilot were injured?”

“Yes, but it had nothing to do with me,” he protests. “I was doing maintenance on my X-wing.”

“And it was hot, so you took off your shirt while you worked.” Jessika folds her arms across her chest. “Result: two serious burns from welding torches and a concussion from walking into a Y-wing strut.”

“It’s a health and safety issue. The Resistance can’t afford to lose skilled members to preventable accidents,” Leia adds. “We’re seriously understrength as it is.”

“Special regs,” Snap says. “We’ll have to come up with a list of things he can’t do.”

Poe is starting to get annoyed. “Can I still fly?” he demands sarcastically. 

“Yes, just try not to be so kriffing good at it,” Leia says. She’s smiling affectionately at him, though, and so Poe just can’t be as angry as he probably ought to be. 

*

“How many are we up to now?” Leia asks.

Jessika runs her stylus down the list. “ _No X-wing maintenance on hot days_ makes twenty-four.”

As a general, Leia has to think strategically. Not for the first time, she wishes they could enter Poe in the Mr. Galaxy competition and earn some credits for the Resistance off his apparently irresistible good looks. 

But short of that: “What if we could get to the root of the problem instead?” She waves her hands. “Make Dameron less attractive somehow. Shave his head--”

“Bad facial hair,” Snap says excitedly, and Leia nods. Han tried to grow a mustache once, and she hadn’t let him near her until it was gone.

“I thought of that,” Jessika says. “And I asked BB-8 to create simulations of a few possibilities.” She points at the holo-projector, and images of Poe in [unfortunate](http://cdn3-www.comingsoon.net/assets/uploads/2015/04/oscarisaacexmachina.jpg) [personal grooming](http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/sucker-punch/images/5/50/Oscar_isaac.jpg) styles begin to cycle through. They’re objectively awful, and yet… 

“Force damn it,” Leia swears. Somehow he makes them look good. She sighs. “All right, on to number twenty-five.”

“ _No ice-cream, popsicle or banana consumption in public_ ,” Snap reads.

Jessika’s cheeks turn pink. “Add fruit in general to the list.”

*

After three months of the special regs in force, however, the issue still lingers.

“X-wing technician productivity is up and accidents are down,” Snap argues.

“Not by much,” Leia counters. “Not enough to justify the restrictions on Dameron.” Poe had approached her begging to be allowed to work out during peak gym hours again, instead of in the middle of the night, and she’d had to turn him down.

“We grabbed the blaster by the wrong end.” Jessika taps her fingers on the table. “It’s not just the exterior packaging, it’s that Poe is genuinely kind -- to everyone. That’s why even the droids love him, and they don't care what he looks like.”

Leis sits back in her chair, shaking her head. Pava is absolutely correct, and they should have realized it much sooner, considering all the evidence. “When he flew me on that diplomatic mission to Iridonia, the Prime asked us to reassign him to our consulate there.” The Zabrak are known for finding most other species physically repulsive, but their distaste for humans is especially strong.

“We can’t order him to start being a jerk,” Snap points out. “So we’re no closer to solving the problem.”

Leia sighs. “Try coming at it from the other side, then. Safety training for recruits on how to handle Dameron’s charm?”

“It does get better with exposure,” Jessika agrees. “It’s mainly the rookies who lose it.”

And so Resistance basic training is revamped to include a short, compulsory presentation on how to keep your cool around Commander Dameron and his overwhelming -- niceness. ([Audio-visual aids](http://media.vanityfair.com/photos/5543ca99db753b82389cbdb5/master/w_690,c_limit/vanity-fair-star-wars-03.jpg), of course, are essential.)

Much to Leia’s relief, that seems to be a better solution. She hasn’t received any serious accident reports from the X-wing hangar in quite a few weeks now. 

Well, there was the one poor pilot who got an eyeful of Poe coming out of the fresher in only a towel, slipped on the wet tile, and broke his wrist, but that was no one’s fault...

**Author's Note:**

> You just know Jessika & Snap enjoyed giving that presentation to the rookies a little too much.
> 
> Finn, of course, never got to see it before he met Poe, which may explain some things.


End file.
